Little things

From every hardship comes at least one positive outcome. At least if you let it. I won't pretend to be any professional when it comes to handling deployments, but there is definitely a few key things I have learned from this experience so far.

1. The arguments will always be stupid. Something little will start an argument, and of course that's not really what you're fighting about at all. I'd say 90% of deployment disagreements come from missing each other. Someone is being too short. Or someone isn't being appreciated enough. Or one of us feels like we are more lonely than the other. Or one of us feels insecure. Obviously everything is easier said than done, but it would make the hard days so much easier if we could remember that we both just miss each other. That is what nearly all of our free time, energy and thoughts doing. Just missing one another. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with when the one person you are used to taking away your loneliness... is the reason you are lonely. And there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. You can't make the phone calls last longer, you can't make the distance any shorter, and you can't make the time pass any faster. All you can do is cram all the love you can possibly muster into every single conversation, email, letter, whatever. Love is love. Even if that love can only be expressed in words exchanged in rushed conversation.

2. It's the little things that will break you down. Like trying to put together the toys our son got for his birthday, and really wishing Daddy was here to help. And by help of course I mean do it himself while I sit and watch and keep his beer fresh. Or rolling over in the morning wanting to tell someone about your dream... and no one is there. Or having a horrible day, and knowing you have no one to talk to about it who would understand other than him... and you know his day was worse than yours. His week was worse than yours. His month was worse than yours. So you just keep your mouth shut and bottle it in. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, it's also the little things that will build you up. Hearing even an hint of happiness in his voice when we talk on the phone, or when he shows how much he genuinely appreciates everything I do. I love when I catch myself watching a show he hates, or wearing a shirt he dislikes, or drinking too much pop, or putting too much salt on my food, or wearing my bright red skinny jeans... and I think to myself, "he would make fun of me so bad for this..." Every time it makes me smile. Hind sight is 20/20. If only I knew a few months ago that I would be missing all of his "bad habits"... Like leaving his wet towel on the bed or the couch, then complaining how we have no clean towels. And leaving the belt on his pants when he puts them in the laundry basket. Oh what I would give to trip over some combat boots in the livingroom floor. *sigh*

3. Communication is key. When you think about it, communication is ALL we have to express our love, appreciation, and caring for each other. When something comes up that makes you feel insecure about the relationship... BRING IT UP! Yeah, it sucks to feel like you are making waves in an already unstable relationship (because what relationship wouldn't be unstable when you never see each other, and rarely speak, and suddenly have nothing in common in your daily lives other being incredibly lonely). If you don't bring it up, it won't be fixed. And seeing as how we think about each other 24/7, those negative feelings will only grow and fester into something much more nasty than it started out as.

4. Take time to feel it. I hate crying. I absolutely hate it. I started out this "journey" (that sounds like way too pleasant of a word) by changing the station every time a sad song came on, or a love song, or a song he liked in general. But sadness isn't the only thing I feel as a result of this deployment. Other than the obvious, like loneliness, frustration, stress, and sex deprived, I feel a lot of love. Time and space seem to heal a lot of things we didn't think could be healed. Let yourself feel how much you love him. Hiding ALL your emotions will make you a brick wall. It's hard enough being in a very long distance relationship with a human being, but being in a relationship with a brick wall would be much more difficult. It makes me feel good to take the time to listen to one of "our songs"... or force myself to ignore the thoughts about how much I miss him, and making a mental list of all the things I would give up to have him home again... It is hard, but it feels good to curl up in bed, in his t-shirt of course and put on Edge of Desire by John Mayer... and just lay there "with" him. I love you. I love you. God damn it, I love you! Let yourself feel like a kid in high school. Let yourself get butterflies. Let yourself feel more in love than you do lonely. At least a few times a day.