When you get home....

I will kiss you every chance I get.
I will wake up early to make you breakfast.
We will go for walks in the evening after dinner.
I will say your name, and you will hear it.
I will spend my nights holding you, rather than just dreaming of you.
We will go to brunch as a family on Sunday mornings.
We will teach Kieran how to ride a bicycle.
You will teach him the correct way to hit a baseball.
And I will keep you both refreshed with cold lemonade and snacks.
We will chase down the ice cream man on Saturday afternoons.
We will get a sitter on occasional Friday nights, and drink wine in our underwear.
Or not in our underwear. ;)
We drink beer and watch Cubs games ALL season long.
I will get onto you when you yell at the TV and it scares Kieran.
But eventually, I'm sure he will start yelling at the Cubs too. =)
We will eat dinner like a normal family does, together, around the table.
We will read Kieran bed time stories together every single night.
We will take family camping trips to the lake.
We will come home to each other at the end of the day.
And I will make sure that you know how much I love you, every damn second I can.

Really? Come on kiddo... Work with me.

Throw mommy a freakin bone.

I'm working, going to school full time, and trying to learn how to parent you on my own. This is tough stuff, Bud! Every day you add something new to this equation. Today it was throwing huge temper tantrums in the middle of the grocery store. I could have gone to get groceries alone before I picked you up from daycare but I really missed you! Please be patient with me little man. I'm trying to learn how to be the best parent I can be! I love you with all my heart! We will learn how to do this together!

Hugs and kisses,
Momma.

Today I was a man.

One thing about Tommy being gone that I have fond to be difficult, is doing man things. For one thing, doing things that HE would normally be the one to do is just depressing in itself. Today I had to do all sorts of man things. I mowed the lawn today (which took me nearly 2 hours I might add, because it was SO thick and jungle-like). However, I have to say that I'm almost positive I got more honks than Tommy would have, had it been him mowing the lawn in cut off shorts. ;) After I got finished mowing, I tried to do the dishes... but of course, the disposal was jammed. So once again, I put on the man-pants and got a screw driver to twiddle the thing and sweet talk it into working. (Twiddling and sweet talk, now that's the way women wearing man-pants get things done!) Okay, so onto the next chore: Taking out the trash. And what would happen? Of course. The cheap-o Aldi brand trash bags split right down the middle. The trash, old food, and whatever other nasty shit my trash can holds, in a matter of seconds was now all over the livingroom floor. I just stood there and stared at my shit-covered floor for a good 5 minutes before I let go of the now-empty trash bag and cleaned up the mess. *sigh*

Tonight I need to do something very womanly. I need to get my ass back in the kitchen where I belong. ;)

Just kidding :) I'm thinking lounge around in my bra and panties and watch a romantic comedy while crying into a box of tissues. While painting my toe nails of course. Shit, I may even take a bubble bath!

love love

I've been having to use my dad's car for the last couple days, and Kieran's carseat wouldn't fit in it rear-facing, so I had to switch him to forward-facing while we were using his car. He would laugh so hard every time I would bang my head to the beat of the music, or look back at him and stick my tongue out. Needless to say, him facing forward was quite a distraction! His little giggle and toothy grin keep me going in the hardest of times. He is the most sturdy rock I've ever had, he keeps me going!

These days I've also become very thankful for my friends. I got to catch up with an old friend this weekend, and it was amazing to know that I still have a good friend in her even though we haven't seen each other for months. Those friendships are the best, the friendships where you can go months without seeing each other and when you do see each other again it's like you never skipped a beat. Shit, my best friend Sarah was gone for almost a year in China, and when she got back it was just like she never left. I can't wait for Tommy to get home so I can say that about our relationship as well, that it never skipped a beat, and is stronger than ever. He and I have been through our fair share of shit, to put it nicely. Our relationship is definitely different than most. We went through more in our first year as a couple than most go through in their first five. But I love him more than anyone, and he is such an amazing man. We have both grown so much together in the 2 years we've been together. If not for Tommy, I definitely wouldn't be the woman I am today, and to be honest with you, I really like the woman I have become. I can only hope that he would say the same about me. I'm guessing a lot of people have their doubts about us making it through this next year and a half, but honestly I really don't. We are great at making up. We are great at apologizing. And we are great at working things out. We deserve this relationship, we have worked so hard for it. I can only hope that in the end we get what we want out of it and can make this into what we both know it can be.

Okay, enough being mushy. My heart strings are being tugged. No crying tonight lol I have a friend over.

So thankful this day is ending.

Today SUCKED. "Sucked" is actually a nice word for the way today treated me. However, Tommy reacted perfectly to everything, and made my day a lot better than it would have been without him. It's crazy how a few simple, "I'm sorry baby... Everything will work out! I love you!"s can make my heart flutter even on the worst of days. I have to go to family dinner tonight, and after that I will be very thankful to be home for the night. I think I may go buy a bottle of wine this week, I would LOVE a glass right about now. It's this right here that makes bad days not sooo bad, that part at the end of the day when you are finally settled in at home relaxing. Kieran also made today nearly impossible for me to hate. He's just the sweetest thing on the planet!

As much as today sucked, I am soo grateful for my two men. (The big one, and the little one) ;)
Tommy and Kieran really make my life worth living. I hope I can find my way back to this outlook when future bad days come to surface. Which I know they will. As long as at the end of the day... I have my boys to love, and who love me in return... Yep. I've got a pretty damn good life.

Where did my baby go?

Ah! Kieran is a year old now. And it seems like he immediately became a toddler. In both good ways and bad. He has started throwing a tantrum when its time to leave (mostly because he doesnt want to get in his car seat)... and on the opposite end of the spectrum, he is SOO playful! If he picks up a piece of trash off the floor, I'll say, "Kieran no no... Bring that to momma..." And he will look at me and smirk then giggle and run the other direction. It is seriously the cutest thing I have ever seen. He's so sweet! He has such a huge personality. I just adore him to bits. He has been going to bed like a pro lately. Ever since he got used to not having his bottle, he has been sleeping THROUGH THE NIGHT... Finally!!! And not only that, he doesnt cry at ALL when I put him to bed anymore. For the last 6 or so months he would always cry for 5 minutes or so before he fell asleep. But now, he just rolls over, snuggles up with his blanket and smiles at me before he drifts off. How can one person be allowed to be so adorable?! This can't be right. Surely MY child is not the cutest, sweetest, and smartest child on the planet? How did I get so lucky?! Speaking of smartest... He has started signing so much better now! We have our own sign for cheerios, and for the last few days he has been signing perfectly for "more O's" as well as "all done" and "drink". He actually has been saying "drink" lately (with words, not signs). It's amazing that I can actually raise a healthy, happy, smart and loving person.


When Kieran was first born, I questioned myself about whether or not I was actually meant to be a mom, it was very difficult to make the adjustment into motherhood for me. But now I know, that I was meant to do this. I was meant to have this little boy. And he was meant to have me. <3

Little things

From every hardship comes at least one positive outcome. At least if you let it. I won't pretend to be any professional when it comes to handling deployments, but there is definitely a few key things I have learned from this experience so far.

1. The arguments will always be stupid. Something little will start an argument, and of course that's not really what you're fighting about at all. I'd say 90% of deployment disagreements come from missing each other. Someone is being too short. Or someone isn't being appreciated enough. Or one of us feels like we are more lonely than the other. Or one of us feels insecure. Obviously everything is easier said than done, but it would make the hard days so much easier if we could remember that we both just miss each other. That is what nearly all of our free time, energy and thoughts doing. Just missing one another. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with when the one person you are used to taking away your loneliness... is the reason you are lonely. And there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. You can't make the phone calls last longer, you can't make the distance any shorter, and you can't make the time pass any faster. All you can do is cram all the love you can possibly muster into every single conversation, email, letter, whatever. Love is love. Even if that love can only be expressed in words exchanged in rushed conversation.

2. It's the little things that will break you down. Like trying to put together the toys our son got for his birthday, and really wishing Daddy was here to help. And by help of course I mean do it himself while I sit and watch and keep his beer fresh. Or rolling over in the morning wanting to tell someone about your dream... and no one is there. Or having a horrible day, and knowing you have no one to talk to about it who would understand other than him... and you know his day was worse than yours. His week was worse than yours. His month was worse than yours. So you just keep your mouth shut and bottle it in. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, it's also the little things that will build you up. Hearing even an hint of happiness in his voice when we talk on the phone, or when he shows how much he genuinely appreciates everything I do. I love when I catch myself watching a show he hates, or wearing a shirt he dislikes, or drinking too much pop, or putting too much salt on my food, or wearing my bright red skinny jeans... and I think to myself, "he would make fun of me so bad for this..." Every time it makes me smile. Hind sight is 20/20. If only I knew a few months ago that I would be missing all of his "bad habits"... Like leaving his wet towel on the bed or the couch, then complaining how we have no clean towels. And leaving the belt on his pants when he puts them in the laundry basket. Oh what I would give to trip over some combat boots in the livingroom floor. *sigh*

3. Communication is key. When you think about it, communication is ALL we have to express our love, appreciation, and caring for each other. When something comes up that makes you feel insecure about the relationship... BRING IT UP! Yeah, it sucks to feel like you are making waves in an already unstable relationship (because what relationship wouldn't be unstable when you never see each other, and rarely speak, and suddenly have nothing in common in your daily lives other being incredibly lonely). If you don't bring it up, it won't be fixed. And seeing as how we think about each other 24/7, those negative feelings will only grow and fester into something much more nasty than it started out as.

4. Take time to feel it. I hate crying. I absolutely hate it. I started out this "journey" (that sounds like way too pleasant of a word) by changing the station every time a sad song came on, or a love song, or a song he liked in general. But sadness isn't the only thing I feel as a result of this deployment. Other than the obvious, like loneliness, frustration, stress, and sex deprived, I feel a lot of love. Time and space seem to heal a lot of things we didn't think could be healed. Let yourself feel how much you love him. Hiding ALL your emotions will make you a brick wall. It's hard enough being in a very long distance relationship with a human being, but being in a relationship with a brick wall would be much more difficult. It makes me feel good to take the time to listen to one of "our songs"... or force myself to ignore the thoughts about how much I miss him, and making a mental list of all the things I would give up to have him home again... It is hard, but it feels good to curl up in bed, in his t-shirt of course and put on Edge of Desire by John Mayer... and just lay there "with" him. I love you. I love you. God damn it, I love you! Let yourself feel like a kid in high school. Let yourself get butterflies. Let yourself feel more in love than you do lonely. At least a few times a day.